On Fitting In

Thursday, 14 January 2016

Is there anyone on this planet who feels like they fit in? Really fit in? I'd like to meet them, because I really don't. I constantly have the feeling to be different to other people, and not in the special kind of way, in the not fitting in kind of way.  I think that's where my desire to move to Sweden, or another Scandinavian country, comes from. I feel like they'd be my kind of people, but of course that's not based on anything, but then from anything I read about them, they seem to share my values with regards to a lot of things, as a matter of fact, I've never come across anything that suggests we'd clash as much as I clash here in the UK.

I used to love England, but now I really don't. I watched some of the Very British Problems Christmas special and that made me sad. One of the people on made fun of the friends who every year at Christmas tells him and his other friends how special they are to him and how glad he is to have them in his life (or something along those lines), saying that it's just very un-british, something that's very much not welcome here. But I (not being British, so I guess I just don't get it) found that so sad. I like a bit of sarcasm every now and then, don't get me wrong, but do you know what I like more than that: sincerity and true feelings. I might be introverted and I'm not suggesting that the only way to communicate those feelings is through words, but to me it's not through shared banter or snarky comments or through pushing each other to get hideously drunk, so alongside your horrific hangover, you'll also have some hilarious stories to bond (I guess) over either. Luckily I do know some special people here who I think feel similar about this, who give me these sincere and true feelings, and I'm oh so grateful to have them in my life.

Sometimes I also wonder whether this feeling of not fitting in is actually just simply down to personality. I became MBTI qualified last year and obviously learnt a lot about it. I learnt that I'm an INFP (not J as previously thought) and that if I remember correctly, whilst all types are equally good (and I genuinely do believe that), generally rewarded in the UK is ESTJ type behaviour with the majority of people being ISTJ (again please don't quote me on this, as I'm not 100% sure). If I do remember correctly though, doesn't that just explain why I don't feel like I fit in and like people don't get me (or viceversa often too)? That I feel all the feels whilst others think I'm overly sentimental (F), that they don't understand that I work differently, that I need to build a bigger picture of something first before I can for example start writing that essay (N + P) and that I need to process information internally first before I like to speak about it to other people and need alone time, frequently (I)? Doesn't it just make sense? But of course, when someone thinks I'm just unorganised when I'm still writing my essay on the day that it's due, I can't bring this up, because everyone already thinks I'm a hippie (the knitting and the yoga really don't help).

Sorry for this slightly darker post, but I just felt like I needed to write it off my chest, and maybe, just maybe someone feels the same way (and has moved to Sweden and BANG felt like suddenly everything was in the right place).

Bon nuit.

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